7:08 a.m. - 2007-12-25
Christmas
We always think christmas as being a happy time but for some its not so happy. So here's christmas from a different perspective.
This song made me cry and so did the film which i saw on tv the other day.
Wishing you all a safe and hapy christmas and please spare a thought for people like this.
11:35 a.m. - 2007-11-28
All together now girlies lmao
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say that size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey
8:49 a.m. - 2007-11-28
ps.............
for those of you waiting for the next installment of my story i will be updating soon just need to get my creative juices working again lol
8:17 a.m. - 2007-11-28
Decisions decisions............
Hi diary,
Been a while since i have added a normal entry so thought i would do one today.
The last few weeks have been filled with decisions of where i want my life to go now.
I must say having a terminal illness does put your life into perspective.
My first decision was to go ahead whith chemo even though my body probably wont put up with it at the moment but hey if its going to help in some small way then why not take that chance, so after christmas my treatment will start.
My second decision is to go back to work, i need to keep my mind active and not vegetate at home.
My third decision is to try and be more patient and understanding with Dave, there are days where i do give him a rough time because he's not showing me or giving me what i need, ie: affection etc etc. I guess i havent been putting his thoughts or feelings into account when he's the one that see's me everyday in pain.
I know it must be hard for him especially after he lost his dad to cancer so vampy has to stop expecting too much from him.
My fourth decision is about my sweet darling Maxxy.
I have tried to distance myself from Maxx by sometimes not returning txts emails or being online when he is, the online thing is difficult anyway cos we are never on at the same time.
Maxxy doesnt know anything about this but he will when he reads this entry diary :-)
Thought if he didnt hear from me for a while then he might just might be able to sort things out and decide what it is he really wants.
Its been hard to hold back and not txt or email but i had to give him some space.
It didnt last long though Diary cos i found i was missing him too much.
I was becoming a shadow of my former self and found myself thinking of dark things which isnt good when your feeling low anyway.
So have come to realise that i myself cannot function without that little ray of sunshine in my life thats known as maxx.............................
8:50 a.m. - 2007-11-16
A Vampires Heart.............short story for Maxx
she creeps out from the shadows darkness all around her, holding her head low as the rain falls down caressing her perfect form.
A stranger calls out her name as she passes by a secluded alleyway, she turns and scans his face with her Vampire eyes then she smiles just barely revealing her fangs.
"How did you find me?" she asks the stranger as she walks slowly towards him holding out a hand.
"I have my ways", he said with a slight tremor in his voice knowing that one mistake would cost him his life, but wasnt that what he wanted?
Her hand moves across his face slowly caressing away the worried look he wore.
Taking him by the hand she slowly takes him away from the alley and leads him out into the open where a black limosine awaits them.
A tall dark figure slowly gets out of the drivers seat and walks to the back of the car and opens the door, he looks at the stranger with a wry smile on his face as if knowing what his fate will be. She gets into the limosine then beckons him in to sit beside her, he eagerly follows and sits down like an obedient puppy.
The door closes behind them and silence fills the car for a moment. Turning to him she smiles again and as he looks at her he sees himself in her deep blue eyes.
"Are you scared of me Maxx?", she asks.
He throws his head back and laughs then looks at her again.
"I have always been afraid of you my love", he whispered, "but now that i am here alone with you i find myself feeling calm".
He reaches out and tenderly strokes her cheek not taking his eyes off her not even for a moment. His hand begins to stroke her long slender neck and pulling her hair back he leans into her and starts to kiss the cold pale flesh.
Hearing her moans he pulls her into him and whispering in her ear he says, "make me yours Ophelia this is what i want, i want to be with you through all eternity".
She pulls away from him and looks out of the window at the rain falling down hard onto the ground. Hearing his words echo around in her head, bloody tears forming in her eyes.
" Ophelia?", she could hear the confusion in his voice. " Why did you pull away from me?".
She turned back to face him her tears falling like the drops of rain outside................TBC
10:28 p.m. - 2007-11-13
Goodbye My Friends............................
10:01 p.m. - 2007-11-13
tonight and the rest of my life...........
3:55 p.m. - 2007-11-04
how i feel
6:13 p.m. - 2007-10-26
FOR MAXXY.............................
10:33 a.m. - 2007-10-17
Too short and fragile..............
Hey Diary,
well this is somewhat of an emotional entry for me to do.
As many of my friends on DL know i was admitted to hospital at the weekend, everyone thought it was the last time they were going to see me and to be honest diary i didnt think i would still be here today to write this entry.
I want to thank everyone for their kind words and well wishes it means a lot to me.
I guess sometimes people take their lives for granted and waste opportunities.
I have come to realise now with everything that has happened and is still happening to me that we should all just grab life by the balls and go out there and live it.
Have fun and live every day as if its your last cos you never know one day it could be.......................
1:44 p.m. - 2007-10-05
Maxxy is coming home .............
I have missed him so much as we havent been able to txt each other while he's been away.
Not sure what time he is going to be at home tonight but i hope its before i go out.
The girls from work have talked me into going out with them for a meal and a drink, i didnt want to go at first but a meal and a drink wont hurt, will it.
They say i need to have a bit of fun in my life as i have been quite down lately and not been feeling well.
Bless them they really do try and keep my chin up when i am like this.
I seem to have neglected my friends a little bit which is really bad of me because my friends are like my family.
So even though i dont feel like going out i am kind of looking forward to it plus its an excuse to go and do a bit of retail therapy lol.
3:43 a.m. - 2007-09-28
Another sleepless night.
Dear Diary,
Well here i am again wondering what i am doing up at this ungodly hour.
Its 3.47am and my body just seems to have run out of sleep.
The worst thing about this is i have to face a twelve hour shift today and i'm not feeling too good with my head and i'm full up with cold......somebody shoot me now PLEASE!!!!!!!!!.
Didnt sleep much at all lastnight, was drifting in and out.
My thoughts was all over the place and i dont know why.
I think i'm losing my mind.
Maxxy's going away today for a week, maybe thats whats wrong with me, the fact that i am going to lose my lifeline, my comfort zone, my soulmate for a whole week and i'm scared that something will happen......maxx i think you know what i mean babe.
I think thats why i said goodbye to you lastnight in my txt.
I just have this strange feeling and usually my feelings never let me down.
My dad appeared again lastnight, its kind of scary cos its happening alot more often now..........is it time?
I wish someone would give me an answer.
4:53 p.m. - 2007-09-24
Dying
Well Diary today i think my whole body is telling me to take it easy.
Woke up this morning with a head from hell again and a very nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
My nose hasnt given up draining me of blood and i feel so tired i just want to sleep.
Think a trip back to the hospital or even my GP is called for.
Things with Maxx and myself seemed to have calmed down a little.
I just want to say sorry to everyone who reads this diary about the rant i had the other night, i was tired and Maxx knows that when i get my teeth into something i just have to bite hard lol.
I'm hoping he still loves me but if he doesnt then i will totally understand.
Anyways diary i'm going to leave it there cos my mind is just going blank and i will most probably start writing silly random stuff, just like now lol.
9:42 p.m. - 2007-09-23
Love song for a Vampire
8:36 p.m. - 2007-09-22
Maxx's question.
Coming home after a twelve hour shift i grabbed myself a glass of wine and logged into DL and read Maxx's entries.
I see he posed a question to everyone on DL which kind of made me feel like why?
I still feel like i'm being a bad person in all of this and that i'm being judged by people who dont even know me.
I would like nothing more than to see Maxx sort his life out with V and Maxx knows this.
The amount of times i have told him to talk to V and the amount of times he has come back at me that she wont listen to anything he has to say have been numerous.
Maxx knows how i feel about him but he also knows where he stands with me thats because we both have so much to lose, so what am i supposed to think when i read something like he posted lastnight.
I'm exhausted and drained and my heads pounding like mad, i dont know what to think anymore and feel like i'm being pulled in every direction.
I apologise to Maxx for posting this but i had to make my feelings known.
11:27 p.m. - 2007-09-20
??????????????????
I dont understand anymore.............
12:13 p.m. - 2007-09-12
A question................
I got up this morning at an unearthly hour again and on my day off may i add!!!!!
I made myself a cup of tea and went in to the living room and decided to go online and log into the myspace chat room.
Its sometimes fun to go in there cos you meet all kinds of people, mainly from the us, and they just crack me up with some of the things they come out with.
Anyways i started talking to this one guy and he asked my this question...............
Does a fly land or turn its self upside down when it walks on a ceiling?
Answers on a post card please to........
Vamp,
looneytune land
far far away
somewhere in the depths of time.................
5:49 p.m. - 2007-09-09
never be the same again
5:47 p.m. - 2007-09-09
I TURN TO YOU
11:17 a.m. - 2007-09-09
here's showaddywaddy just for maxxy lol
11:04 p.m. - 2007-09-08
Blast from the past.............123 join in anytime and dont forget to swing those pants................
8:59 p.m. - 2007-09-07
FIX YOU
8:45 p.m. - 2007-09-07
In reply to Maxx's entry
Well what can i say, voicemails.
You know i just waffled and i had to call you up a second time cos i got to hear your voice which i miss so much.
Ok down to V.................WTF! hun is she living in the real world, obviously no you dont want to just shag her at every opportunity but for gods sake where's the intamacy, the love, the physical want that you are not getting at the moment and god babe dont you have feelings too?
I wish you would stop making excuses for her, like there's not a problem cos from what i see there obviously is.
Or was that a sarcastic comment you made?
Ok have had my say enough said.
Hope you had a goodnight at the party and will see you online soon.
Love you baby
9:55 p.m. - 2007-09-05
SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD ......................
What have I got to do to make you love me What have I got to do to make you care What do I do when lightning strikes me And I wake to find that you're not there What do I do to make you want me What have I got to do to be heard What do I say when it's all over Sorry seems to be the hardest word It's sad, so sad It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd It's sad, so sad Why can't we talk it over Oh it seems to me That sorry seems to be the hardest word What do I do to make you love me What have I got to do to be heard What do I do when lightning strikes me What have I got to do What have I got to do When sorry seems to be the hardest word
9:04 p.m. - 2007-09-05
What do you do when............
your boyfriend txts you on his break and tells you that he's been getting a mate of his to scare a polish girl at work.
I told him to be careful cos she might think that he (my bf) fancies her and he replies well that will be ok cos i fancy her!!!!!!!!
Can you imagine how i felt when i recieved that txt.
It was like getting a kick in the guts.
Needless to say i didnt text him back.
I almost went into the bedroom and packed my bags, there was only one flaw to that though and that was i had nowhere to go so here i am sitting on my own with god knows what going round in my head.
And now he's just txt me asking if we had a fight earlier WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:19 a.m. - 2007-09-04
For Maxxy
12:18 p.m. - 2007-08-26
IS THIS THE END? .................................
11:28 a.m. - 2007-08-26
CAPTAIN MAXX AND THE BEAUTY VAMP FROM MARS...................................................
10:18 a.m. - 2007-08-23
THINKING.........................is it a bad thing?
So diary i came home from a very gruelling twelve hour shift and answered a txt that maxx had sent me earlier.
We sent a couple more to each other and then he sent one saying that i have interesting reading to do on DL.
So as soon as i had a shower i came online logged onto DL and started reading.
After reading his entry and then the notes that he sent to Nic i kind of started thinking to myself.
Now sometimes when your left on your own with your thoughts its not always a good thing, so i started asking myself a few questions.
Was this what Maxx really wanted?
Is sex so important in a relationship that it totally blinds you from the things that you have in that relationship?
Does Maxx really love me or is it just lust?
And because i was so tired too the bitch inside me came out and i sent maxx a txt saying i didnt want to be a notch on his bed post, he sent one back saying that what i had sent hurt.
I had to quickly pull the bitch back in and apologise to Maxx cos that was the last thing i wanted to do.
If Maxx's relationship with V is so bad then why hasn't he moved on?
The answer to that question Diary is that he loves her and no matter how bad it gets he's always going to love her.
Same with me and D, sex is kind of non existant in our relationship at the moment but it doesnt mean i dont love him.
I know sometimes i could throttle him but thats all part of having a relationship isnt it?
Accepting the ups and downs, the good and the bad, isnt that what makes a relationship strong?
Like Maxx i crave sex and yes have thought about meeting someone to satisfy that craving but i dont think i would ever do that because i know deep down inside i would regret it and couldnt look D in the face ever again.
So diary maybe thinking isn't a bad thing after all............
3:58 p.m. - 2007-08-19
GOODBYE MY LOVER :.....(
"Goodbye My Lover"
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
2:42 p.m. - 2007-08-16
Why did god create man.................
This is a question i have asked myself several times diary and i think i have finally found out the answer, it's just so they can piss us women off by doing things that annoy us.
Ok for some of you guys out there i know that probably only a few of the male population give their wives and girlfriends a hand around the house but for the most of that majority that don't and think that going to work is all they have to do then just take a word from the wise.
My other half thinks he does his bit around the house, and i put an emphasis on thinks, but really only after we have had an argument and then it lasts all of a few minutes.
Take the other day for instance, i was at work doing a twelve hour shift and i asked if he could do the blind in the kitchen (have been waiting over a month now for the new blind to go up)
He started it and thats all he did, i came home and he told me a story of how he made the hole too big for the wall plugs to go in and said that he would fill it in with some sillicone, so now i guess i will have to wait another month for him to do that.
On the same day he said that he had swept the tiles in the bathroom cos he uses talcum powder and gets it everywhere, but thats all he did he didnt bother to clean everywhere else the talc had landed on.
Then the othernight we had a bit of a fall out when i was pushed away again for the umpteenth time.
I told him he didnt love me and i didnt know what i was doing there anymore and it was left at that.
The next day i was on a late shift and he picked me up from work and we went to get a take out from Pizza Hut.
While we were in the car he said he had a suprise for me when we got home and i wasnt to go in the fridge so he had to get me a glass of wine as i wasnt allowed to look in the fridge.
After eating the pizza he asked if i was ready for my suprise, i said yes and he returned form the kitchen with a big bowl of fruit salad which he had prepared himself.
So whats your problem i hear you ask.
My problem is he only does these things when he thinks he's going to lose me or we have a row.
So i ask myself now do i have to row with him all the time to make him do something to help me around the house?
7:24 p.m. - 2007-08-15
Darlin........................words for maxx
Darlin', I look into your eyes
And see what words could never tell
Darlin' you've made me understand
The me I thought I knew so well
Like an angel sent from up above
You came and touched my life with love
Oh, Darlin' I'd love to make you mine, I would
Darlin' each time I look at you
I see a missing part of me
Darlin' if you will walk with me
We'll step toward eternity
And when the world is finally through
I'll still be ever loving you
Oh, Darlin' there is no end if I'm with you
Oh, Darlin' there's really nothing we can't do
With you
7:13 p.m. - 2007-08-15
Are You Up There............................(a question for god)
It could all end tomorrow
and where would i be?
Does life go on?
or will it be the end of me?
Seems a bit unfair to think
that all i've learned and done
Belongs to no-one.
Why should i trust in a love
that i can't have forever?
Does it seem right to live a game of take away?
Should i want for children
if there isn't anymore
for them to live for.
Maybe i'm a pessimist
then maybe i'm not
one thing that i'd like to know
is what i've got
I don't want a miracle
or to see you in the air
but are you up there?
are you anywhere?
do you really care?
are you up there?
2:30 p.m. - 2007-08-15
An entry for Maxx
After reading your entry yesterday i had this cold feeling across my heart, what a wierd feeling that was.
I got scared wondering if this was the end, i couldnt really blame you if it meant that.
I wanted to say so much to you on MSN lastnight but the inevitable happend and you had to go leaving me feeling lost and confused.
Sometimes i feel like i'm losing grip of what we have and i am trying to hold on so tight because i dont ever want to let go.
I may have read between the lines wrong but have always said to you that if you want me to back off then i will.
I love you so much baby and i'm sorry i didnt have that courage to meet you last weekend but i think my reasons were justified and i hoped you would understand.
I dont just want this to be a virtual relationship i do want to meet you i just have to get over a few hurdles first and get over myself really.
It will happen I promise you.
You said in your entry that what if we love each other completely that we just cant bear to leave thats scares me too you know knowing that i would have to leave you behind and maybe never getting the chance again to do it again.
Sometimes life is so cruel.
I'm hoping this makes sense, my heads so full of things to say i just cant get them oout in the way i want.
9:34 a.m. - 2007-08-13
This is to say a big thankyou to my babe
9:06 a.m. - 2007-08-13
-
Dear Diary,
I think of myself as just a simple girl who just likes to get on with her life and be happy along the way maybe achieving a few things here and there.
I get confused sometimes by the way D treats me, one day he's all over me, the next he's pushing me away so i guess i get mixed messages and end up doing or saying the wrong thing then i either get laughed at or get the cold shoulder.
I get to thinking that wouldnt it be nice if once just once he did something really romantic for me and showed me how he really feels.
I wish he was more like Maxx.
There's never a second that goes by in the day where i dont stop thinking about my secret love and do you know what he did the other day Diary?
Maxx wrote a song for me, he wrote a song, sat down, sorted out a tune and recorded it and sent me the link so i could hear it.
Yes Maxxy sang a song for me.
Everytime i hear it i have tears in my eyes i feel so honoured that Maxx has done this.
So now i know what to listen to when i have my dark days, i know i am no longer alone in this and i dont have to go through this on my own cos Maxx is gonna be there always for me.
With each passing day my feelings for Maxx grow stronger and stronger and sometimes i feel like a dizzy schoolgirl when ever i get a txt off him or an email message.
What more can i say Diary other than I really really do love him and i hope he knows that.......................
3:27 p.m. - 2007-08-10
I'm sorry babe..................................
Dear diary,
today i feel really bad because i may have upset maxx.
He really wanted to come and meet me today, and i wanted him to, but when push came to shove i began to panic.
I dont really know why i started to panic, maybe it was because my morals were pushing there way to the front of my mind, maybe its because i dont want maxx to see me in pain or maybe its because i'm not quite ready for that part of our relationship yet.
Maxx said he was ok with it and that there would be other times but i can't help feeling that he feels a little bit dissapointed with me.
I'm working tomorrow and have agreed that if we have enough staff on the unit i will take an hours lunch break and have maxx come over and have lunch with him, i only hope now that we are fully staffed as i dont want to let him down again.
I am screaming inside diary because i love this guy so much and knowing i may have hurt him is killing me.
After visiting the hospital yesterday and being told that my life will be short lived has somewhat freaked me out more than i thought it would.
Perhaps thats why i kind of pushed maxx away, cos i don't want him to be hurt anymore than he has to if i die within that year they have given me.
I'm left feeling cold and empty with no more fight in me, i'm tired and all i want to do is curl up and go to sleep and never wake up..............
As for my maxxy, i want to see him happy, i can't let him go, i want to be with him and do all the things we talk about but it will cost and i'm not sure we both want to pay such a high price at the moment.
I wish we could just both fade away together without anyone realising we are gone, that would be just perfect, wouldnt it?
3:28 p.m. - 2007-08-08
APOLOGIES AND MIXED UP FEELINGS
Hey Diary,
i think i have to apologise to the people who come in and read you.
Today i have been expressing the way i feel through a few songs. All of them are for maxx, do you think he has the message now of how much i care about him lol.
I'm not feeling too good today and i'm also a little weepy so putting these songs up havent really helped my disposition.
I miss talking to maxx i miss his voice, we dont seem to get the chance to chat much anymore just grab whatever we can when we can.
I have fallen so hard its kind of scaring me at the moment and all those morals i had have just gone to the wayside, so what do i do diary?
Do i just carry on or do i walk away?
Not something i want to do but i'm not sure if i'm helping maxx sort his life out with V if i'm hanging around.
Maybe its the mood i'm in today thats making me think this way..............
Now i'm listening to Firehouse and Love of a Lifetime and the tears are starting to fall again............
Maxx is my love of a lifetime but its a lifetime too late, if we had found eachother before V and D then i am sure we would both be in paradise now.
Maxxy if your reading this then take no notice i'm just having a dark day but needed to say what i am feeling,
I love you baby..................
3:26 p.m. - 2007-08-08
Hold on Maxxy
Just when I believed
I couldn't ever want for more
This ever changing world
pushes me through another door
I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase
the beauty of your face
Just for awhile
Won't you let me shelter you
Hold on to the nights
Hold on to the memories
I wish that I could
give you something more
That I could be yours
How do we explain something
that took us by surprise
Promises in vain,
love that is real
but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule
Let our lovers play the fool
I don't know how
To stop feeling this way
Repeat chorus:
Well, I think that I've been true
to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you
makes my heart long to be free
Everytime I look into your eyes,
I'm helplessly aware
That the someone
I've been searching for
is right there
Hold on to the nights
Etc.
10:11 a.m. - 2007-08-08
THIS ONES FOR MAXXY........LISTEN TO THE WORDS BABY
10:06 a.m. - 2007-08-08
SAD CAFE..............................
10:00 a.m. - 2007-08-08
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL..........................
1:26 p.m. - 2007-08-01
GENERAL NONSENSE.
Hey Diary, how are you today?
Silly question really since you can't answer me lol.
Well the sun has finally come out and everyone seems to be in a better mood and life in general is good.
Went to work yesterday and was moved to a different unit, frail elderly, i enjoyed most part of it cos it was good to get off the dementia unit and see different faces. Most of the residents i already knew cos i used to look after them before the unit i was based on became dementia.
It was nice to see familiar faces, like Jean, Sandy, Eric and Fred.
Now i have a few stories i could tell you about fred, not alot of the other carers like him cos they see him as a dirty old man but i have a soft spot for freddy,
there was a time when he took quite a shine to me and asked me if he could take me out to dinner, i had to decline saying that i had a boyfriend and that i would sit at the dinner table with him at lunch time and chat to him while he was eating, poor fred felt a bit dejected but he agreed to me sitting with him.
Next time i saw fred he wante to marry me, well what do you do in that situation so again i had to explain to him that i couldnt marry him as i had just got engaged and that i would be getting married to someone else in the near future, i got a resounding oh of fred as he wheeled himself down the corrider.
Now i havent seen Fred since November last year so when i went on the other unit yesterday i thought that maybe he had forgotten who i was but no as soon as he saw mw he asked if i had gotten married yet.
I turned round and smiled at him and told him that he had a very good memory then said that we had just brought a house together so couldnt afford to get married yet he just looked at me with a smile on his face so lord only knows whats going through his mind........................
I am missing maxxy like crazy i can't remember the last time we had a decent conversation with each other just seem to be sending a txt here and there and the odd quick hello on the internet whenever he can get the chance to get on his pc at home. I dunno maybe he's going off me lol
Oh well diary i best get up off my ass and do something around the house, i havent even bothered to get dressed yet geeze i'm such a slob..........
Catch ya later xxxxxxxxxxx
10:39 p.m. - 2007-07-31
Right back at ya Maxxy
10:47 p.m. - 2007-07-29
MORE MISHEARD LYRICS..........................................ENJOY
10:13 p.m. - 2007-07-28
Hope this gives you a laugh i know it did me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
9:44 a.m. - 2007-07-25
FOR MAXXY
I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true
With love that we can share
With you I never wonder - Will you be there for me
With you I never wonder - You're the right one for me
Chorus:
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime
With every kiss our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
(But) We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong
(chorus)
11:19 p.m. - 2007-07-13
THIS ONES FOR DAVE
Firehouse - No One At All Lyrics
Tell me why things ain't like
They used to be before
I don't know why you hurt me
But I still come back for more
Baby I don't know how much more
My heart can take
And I don't know how much longer
I can stay
They say you don't know what you've got
Sometimes until it's gone
(I said) baby don't wait that long
Oh don't take our love for granted
'Cause you might wind up with
[refrão]
No one at all, no one at all
Baby you know how romance
Is you don't get no second chances
And you might wind up with no one at all
Baby you better look both ways
Before you cross my heart
I'm tellin' you it's your little games
That are tearin' us apart
Baby you never find the words
I need to hear you say
And I don't know how much longer
I can stay
So don't take our love for granted
'cause you might wind up with
[refrão]
Oh Yeah...
They say you don't know what you've got
Sometimes until it's gone
(I said) baby don't wait that long
Oh don't take our love for granted
'Cause you might wind up with
Oh Yeah...
11:17 p.m. - 2007-07-13
THIS ONES FOR VERONICA
Firehouse - Get A Life Lyrics
Well I'm sick and tired
And I am totally wired
Why don't they just
Leave me alone
Just 'cause the length of my hair
And the clothes that I wear
And the things that I do
Don't conform
Everyone's got an opinion but
I don't need no advice
Seems they're mindin'
Everybody's business
But their own
Well I do things my own way
And I ain't afraid to say
Chorus:
Get a life
I've got better things to do
Than to mess around with you
Go out and get your own life
Get a life
I'm always walking the line
When I ain't done no crime
I get hassled for
No reason at all
See I've got my own plan
Tryin' to be my own man
Still they don't understand
What went wrong
Everyone's got an opinion but
I don't need no advice
Seems they're mindin'
Everybody's business
But their own
Well I do things my own way
And I ain't afraid to say
(Chorus)
So here's a word to the wise
You've gotta realize
You're no better
Than anyone else
Before you criticize
You'd better open you eyes
And take a good look at yourself
(Chorus)
Get a life
You've picked the wrong one
To harass why don't
You stick it up your ass
Go out and get your own life
11:16 p.m. - 2007-07-13
This ones for Maxxy
Firehouse - Here For You Lyrics
So you think you've got it all figured out
Well you know you can't make it alone
Everybody needs somebody to help them out
And you know I could be that someone
And if you ever get lost on life's highway
Don't know where to go
There's just one thing that I want you to know
Chorus:
I am here for you, always here for you
When you need a shoulder to cry on
Someone to rely on, I am here for you
So you think that love is long overdue
Tired of looking for someone to care
Let me tell you now the choice is up to you
But you know I will always be there
I am here for you, always here for you
When you're needin' someone to hold you
Remember I told you
I am here for you, I am here for you
So now you've got it all figured out
And you know you've found someone that cares
And if you ever need somebody to help you out
Well you know I will always be there
And if you ever get lost on life's highway
Don't know where to go
There's just one thing that I want you to know
I am here for you, always here for you
When you need a shoulder to cry on
Someone to rely on, I am here for you
I am here for you, always here for you
When you're needin' someone to hold you
Remember I told you
I am here for you, I am here for you
9:32 p.m. - 2007-07-12
IT HURTS WHEN........................................
Dear Diary
tonight i'm really upset, things just don't seem to be going smoothly with me and D and i think the honeymoon period is over, if ever there was one.
I've not been happy for a while main reason because he keeps pushing me away whenever i try to get intimate, i dont understand why. Maybe its because he's scared i might pass out on him again like i did once or maybe he thinks i'll drop dead while he's having sex with me whatever the reason its really pissing me off.
6.30pm and he calls me on his break to see if i'm ok, see he does care sometimes, and i tell him that i'm trying to sort the blind out in the kitchen cos the cat decided to break the venetian one we had up there originally.
He asks if i'm ok cos i sound a little upset and i tell him i'm just tired but while we were on the subject of me being upset i told him how i was feeling about him at the moment, not what you want to hear when your at work.
I still love him but its kind of getting harder for me to have the same feelings for someone who keeps pushing me away, then i came up with the ultimate question, when are we getting married i asked, well that was it he just burst out laughing and didnt say anything, does anyone know how much that hurts it feels like total rejection and needless to say i had to fight back the tears.
He had to go and we said our goodbyes, he told me he loved me to which i just replied ok.
I'm not sure if i'm being too demanding all i want is to be held and have that physical contact we used to have, instead i just feel like i'm being taken for granted...........
I have also been worrying about Maxx tonight, seems that V has had another go at him and i so wanna slap her and tell her to stop being a child she's a full grown woman acting like a spoilt brat as far as i'm concerned......... sorry maxx its the way i feel.....
3:16 p.m. - 2007-07-12
-
2:44 p.m. - 2007-07-12
Here's one for Maxxy
9:20 a.m. - 2007-07-10
Is There Something Wrong With Me?
Dear Diary,
this morning i think i have lost faith in everything about my relationship with D.
Before the meeting i had at work yesterday dave was being all lovey dovey and i was told to make the most of it, D then went to work leaving me on my own so i was flirting round with Maxxy online, just a shame maxxy wasnt here.
At around 6.30pm D was on his break and txtd me saying he wants me bad and that he loves me so i txt back saying the same sort of things back to him, yay for the first time in what seems like an eternity i am going to be held and made love to by the guy i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
So D comes home fixes himself a drink and asks me if i'm ok, we have a little chat then he takes me by the hand and leads me into the bedroom sitting me down on the bed he starts to kiss me, now at this point i thinking about maxxy i just cant get him out of my head, dave starts to undress me and pulls back the covers and we get into bed, we are kissing and he's stroking my hair when Dillon (our rescue cat from the RSPCA) comes into the bedroom and starts meowing, D turns round to look at him and starts talking to him then he asks me what i think he wants, just because i have been a cat owner before i'm supposed to know everything, i tell D that he just wants attention cos he has his food and his litter tray is clean so he's set for the night but dillon just wouldnt let up so dave got off the bed and started going to the kitchen saying the cat is trying to tell him something. WTF!!!!!!!!! Here i am lying naked on the bed getting all excited and aroused and he leaves me for the fucking cat.......................... so come on diary tell me what the hell is wrong with me?
11:03 p.m. - 2007-07-09
-
Dear diary
I'm worried about maxxy, had a couple of txts from him tonight saying he has had an argument with V. then he came online but went quick so V must have been around................... sorry i wasnt there for you baby...........
1:28 p.m. - 2007-07-09
Stressed and fed up
Dear Diary,
I have come to the conclusion that i do not want to do care work anymore, simply because i have become disalusioned with the whole care system and the companies that run care homes.
The place i work is in trouble, seems they are 70,000 pounds over their budget for overtime and the like and we have been told that if it doesnt get any better in the next three months then our manager will get sacked and they will be asking for redundancies.
Adding to this there are investigations going on over the slightest pettiest things, i myself had to go to an investigation meeting this morning without a clue of what it was about so of course when i got the letter on saturday i was like WTF!!!
I have been stressing over it all weekend............................
Turns out i may have been a witness to something that happend, so have sat and run through the shift i did that day.
I'm hoping that i remembered everything.
D's been very lovey dovey towards me cos he knows how stressed i have been, i wonder how long thats going to last.
Maxxy babe has been there for me again, someone should give him a medal for putting up with me lol.
I love you maxx and i am trying to come up with a cunning plan for us to meet so watch this space lol.
So diary there ya go first time i have had to vent my feelings about my job to you.........................
12:50 p.m. - 2007-07-06
Lifes far too short
Dear Diary,
have often wondered why life is so cruel.
Just when you think it's going ok and that your at your happiest something always turns up to ruin it.
I'm sure many people feel this way if they are truely honest with themselves.
The last couple of days have been quite emotional for me and Maxxy.
We both have basically poured our hearts out to each other and believe me tears have flowed from both parties.
This morning it happend again, starting with me telling maxxy about my dream.
I have had this dream before diary but this time the ending was different, this dream is so real it leaves me emotionally drained.
I wake up in floods of tears and i know now that it is my time to go.
I don't really want to leave this mortal coil i have so many things that are left unfinished.
One of those things is meeting maxxy and spending an amazing day with him, so weather and my health permitting we have arranged to meet next weekend.
I am really excited about it although a little nervous at the same time.
Its so easy to talk to someone online but i know when i am face to face with him that i will probably clam up and go all coy and shy, and if i know maxxy he will do the same too.
Oh and i do hope the sun is shining cos i get to have a ride in his gorgeous car with the top down.
Maxxy means a great deal to me he's like my Guardian Angel and he definately keeps me sane through my dak times.
Some people might read you diary and maxxy's too and go omg but he's married and your in a relationship.
Thats so true, but can you honestly say that if you found your soulmate you would let them go just because your in a relationship?
Both Maxxy and i have beaten ourselves up over this, both not wanting to hurt our partners, but our feelings for each other are just too strong and if that is wrong of us then so be it, may we both burn in hell, but somehow i dont think we will.
12:50 p.m. - 2007-07-04
Adopted Love Child
Dear diary,
i just want to say that its not often you come across people on the internet who hod a special place in your heart.
Maxxy holds most of my heart now but there is someone else who has been a very good friend to both myself and maxx.
JanedoeO has been following our diaries from the begining and i am now proud to say she is now the adopted love child of maxx and myself.
Welcome to the family JanedoeO maxx and i love you................
